Today I Learned… About myself

Gonna get weirdly personal today

There are several people in my life who despite being very important, can be casually cruel and self absorbed. Yet, no matter how many times I end a call with them crying, and feeling worse than before; I can’t seem to stop going to them when I’m distraught or stressed. Today I think I may have finally uncovered a clue as to why.

When I am upset by how I’m forced to deal with a world that does not understand me and is constantly overwhelming my brain, what I crave is just to feel understood. Unfortunately since the way I experience things is foreign to many of my friends, I rarely get that even in relationships that aren’t fraught. But even if they cant understand the complicated nuances of why my brain is imploding, they can understand someone being a dick.

So when I go to one of those people out of habit and they are unkind, though I feel like shit the behaviour is still reinforced. Afterwards I go to a friend and they can understand what just happened.

I don’t think that’s all of it, nor am I saying I do it on purpose. There’s probably elements of me being familiar with this extreme cycle and finding it comforting in a weird way.

/